Wolverine Sucks Customer Reviews and Feedback

From Everything.Sucks

Wolverine (birth name; James Howlett; alias; Logan and Weapon X) is a fictional character appearing in American comic books published by Marvel Comics, mostly in association with the X-Men. He is a mutant who possesses animal-keen senses, enhanced physical capabilities, a powerful regenerative ability known as a healing factor, and three retractable claws in each hand. Wolverine has been depicted variously as a member of the X-Men, Alpha Flight, and the Avengers.

Jacob Shelton states that Wolverine Really Isn't As Cool As You Think He Is. In 2019 He listed 17 reasons why Wolverine sucks in a review he wrote for RANKER:

He's Seriously Overpowered This may be a cliché complaint but it has to be addressed. In his time in the Marvel universe, Logan has had claw gloves, claws in his hands, adamantium bones, a healing factor, his ears attuned to specific sound waves, and the ability to tell when someone is a shapeshifter. Phew, that's a lot. Is that all? Not even close. He is impervious to spicy food, he can't get drunk, and he shares a telepathic link with various mutants. Only one of those things was made up and it wasn't even the most ridiculous power. Seriously, what are his powers? All the things? What's the point of making a character who can do all the stuff? This is the same problem with Superman; when a character can literally solve all their problems they immediately become less interesting and not cool. Do you know what character is cool? Rogue. Rogue is cool because she can never truly experience love, just like everyone you know.

He's Condescending To Every Other Character This might seem like a minor quibble, but think about it, how do you feel when someone can't let up with their holier than thou attitude? Now multiply that by about 30 years and you have Wolverine. Most of his sh*tty attitude is directed towards characters like Spider-Man, and Cyclops, but everyone has been on the receiving end of his dickish behavior at least once. Do you know what's cool? Being polite. Do you know who are famously polite? Canadians. Wolverine is a traitor to these people.

He's Terrible To Women Boy does Logan ever have a terrible track record with the ladies. It's been argued that Wolverine has the best relationship with women in the world of comic books, but this is simply not true. Aside from having married multiple women who end up dead in one violent fashion or another, he goes out of his way to break up Cyclops and Jean Grey, hooks up with Storm despite harboring intense boner emotions for other women, and befriends younger, female teammates as a way to groom them for future romantic possibilities. Logan likes to say that he's the "best there is at what he does," and if he's talking about being terrible to women then he's absolutely correct. Oh, he also tried to have sex with the 15-year-old Mary Jane Watson when he was stuck in Spider-Man's body in Ultimate Spider-Man #67. Gross.

His Stupid Little Hairdo Someone has to mention his dumb hair, right? Really, it's just part of his terrible character design but it's so bad that it should be considered its own reason as to why he's uncool. The dual horn thing is a part of his mask's design, and that's fine, but why does his hair have to fit into that design? It's not like Bruce Wayne has two little horns on his head, or Spider-Man's eyes are actually that big. Why not just give Logan normal hair? He looks like Gary Oldman in Bram Stoker's Dracula.

No One Can Decide On His Origin Logan's history is shrouded in a dense fog of retconning and make-em-ups. While this is not unheard of for a comic book character, Wolverine takes it to a new, confusing level. He's a character with no discernable past beyond what an author decides he needs for a specific story. But why is that? Because he was created as a one-off character that was never supposed to become a cultural icon for jocks and people that buy comic book t-shirts at Target.

Wolverine Is The Worst Anti-Hero Most comic readers who have yet to realize how much of a drag Wolverine actually is would describe Logan as an anti-hero. That's categorically incorrect. To be an anti-hero, he would have to be presented as a bad guy who did good things in order to keep doing the bad stuff he loved. Magneto is an anti-hero, for example. He's a legit bad dude who, at times, has done good things to save the world that he loves to destroy. Wolverine is a true blue good guy through and through. Just because Wolverine began his life in the funny papers as a Hulk villain doesn't mean that he can still be considered a villain. His introduction to the world happened 417 years ago, or whenever that comic came out, and it has no basis in the world of modern Marvel continuity. Wolverine is the definition of Campbellian hero: He's a guy who doesn't want to go on a quest who is pushed into it by X-treme circumstances and comes out the other end changed, usually for the better.

Wolverine Isn't A Necessary Character Wolverine is many things: a catalyst, a plot point, a function of the narrative used to end a story, but he's not a character. In most cases, especially when he's a part of a team, he's either written in to get super beat up or to save everyone with his amazing powers of getting beaten up. It's incredibly rare that Wolverine is actually given something to do beyond getting blown up in an atomic blast to save humanity, or getting steamrolled by the Punisher. That isn't to say that writers haven't been able to do interesting things with Logan, but those instances are few and far in between.

Characters Who Are Good At Everything Are Never Good Characters This is Character 101: Audiences inherently want to see a character grow. If your character is already the best at something, then they can't get better. It's not entertaining to watch someone be constantly good at things. Forget about Wolverine for a moment and imagine you're watching a movie where someone is trying to make a sandwich. Do you want to see someone walk into their kitchen and expertly prepare peanut butter and jelly sandwich in 30 seconds, or would you rather watch someone struggle to put the sandwich together, realize they have no bread, have to walk to the store, step in a puddle on the way there, and then realize they forgot their wallet? One of those scenarios is 100% more interesting than the other, and it's why a character like Wolverine is much less interesting than a character like Spider-Man. They can both dispatch villains with ease, but one of them is going to realize that by taking time out of their day to dispatch villains and thus miss their anniversary plans or lose their bus pass in the process. The other character is going to smoke a cigar and probably call someone "bub."

Wolverine Is Such An Alpha Male That It Hurts Did y'all know that Wolverine is the toughest, hairiest, beer-drinking man in the world? Even though he's only 5'3" (and approximately five feet wide), he's still a tough boy who can't have his feelings hurt and can chew through the glass and punch any other tough comic book boy in the face until they bleed to death. But no one can do that to Wolverine! No-ho-ho, he's the toughest man that ever toughed. Why do comic book readers (see: nerds) continue to read this kind of thing? Is it something they like, or is it a rule at Marvel that Wolverine can only have sensitive emotions when Johnny Cash is playing?

Wolverine Has No Motivation Why does Wolverine do the things he does? Why save the world week after week? According to most of the writers behind his stories, he can't remember who he is, so what's the point of going to Japan to fight evil samurai? Seriously? What's the point? Logan just exists in places where he needs to be to fit a particular story and this is very boring/bad writing.

Wolverine Calls Sloppy Joes "Meat Soup Sandwiches" Where did he even learn to call them that? No one has ever said that, not once in the uncountable seconds since our universe began. The weirdest part about this is that everyone knows that Wednesday nights at Xavier Mansion are sloppy joe night, so he's had to have heard literally everyone in the school call them sloppy joes. Yet he insists on calling them "meat soup sandwiches." Is it a bit? If so, it's not funny. And if he really hasn't picked up on the actual name of the meal then that's just sad.

Writers Never Make Him As Weird As He Should Be Wolverine is an overpowered character who can't be defeated by normal heroes and villains using standard methods, so why not have Logan face characters who don't play by the rules? Logan's myriad attributes lend him to getting involved in weird storylines, but for whatever reason writers seem afraid to do anything interesting with him. Why not have Logan blast off into space to fight something from beyond the moon that doesn't know he's a wounded samurai? Or team him up with Dr. Strange to fight Dormammu in the fifth dimension or whatever. Have him torn apart by goblins made of chocolate fingers, or put him to work in a bakery run by Satan on the edge of a volcano, just have him do something that's not more of the same.

He's A Punchline To Other Marvel Characters How cool can a character be when they're the butt of every joke made by other comic book bad boyz like Deadpool and Spider-Man? There's nary a Deadpool that goes by where he doesn't make some overt reference to wanting to get kissy with Logan (which is also a reason why Deadpool isn't cool - chill with the gay panic routine, comic authors), and Spider-Man goes out of his way to point out all of the ways that Wolverine is the worst. In a way, he's the anti-Wolverine despite having just as many dumb storylines.

He's Blatantly Homophobic For someone who's been alive for hundreds of years, Logan sure is close-minded. In Wolverine #186, he beats up the Punisher (another character who's not great) in a tough guy contest that makes no sense and dumbs down anyone who reads it. After the fight ends, a bunch of men's muscle magazines falls out of the Punisher's bag, and an embarrassed Frank pretends that they're suspects or something. Wolverine, like a bigot, then insinuates Frank is gay (oh, and obviously he thinks that makes him less of a man). Look, comic book writers, human sexuality is a dense web of chemical reactions that have nothing to do with whether or not someone can beat up a superhero, so cool it with the homophobia.

Wolverine Is A Watered Down Version Of Every Django Movie Everyone loves a loner doomed to wander the earth in search of nebulous vengeance and some saving grace, but at a certain point enough is enough. It's time to call it day with all of these Wolverine stories where he shows up alone and fights a bunch of guys only to learn that violence was never the answer even if it's the only way he knows how to communicate. Logan is a fictional character so he can exist in any context that you want him to. Why, then, do writers continue to put him through the same routine over and over?

He Has A Stupid Catchphrase Cool people don't have catchphrases. Advertising companies and hack comedians have catchphrases. Stop being made a fool of and throw away your Wolverine comics. "I'm the best there is at what I do" and just randomly saying "bub" a lot doesn't make you interesting, Logan, they make you a shorter version of Sheldon Cooper.

Logan Gave His Home Wireless Network A Pun Name First of all, "Wifi-X" is a terrible pun. It's barely a pun! Secondly, why is Wolverine alerting everyone in his neighborhood to the fact that he's Weapon X? Arguably his neighbors could think he was joking, but the moment they see Logan strutting down the street on an undershirt riddled with bullet holes they're going to know he's the X-Man they've been seeing so much of on the news. If you're a celebrity, no matter how minor, it's always better to go with something nondescript for your home wireless network.

Reviews

Be the first to tell the world why Wolverine sucks!
CLICK TO RATE

I certify that this review is based on my own experiece and is my opinion of this person or business. I have not been offered any incentive or payment to write this review.

Refresh

Enter Code